Planning Your Child’s Funeral

There is no pain greater than the loss of a child, a grief that feels insurmountable and an absence that leaves a void in every part of life. If you’re facing the unimaginable task of planning your child’s funeral, it’s important to approach this process with as much compassion for yourself as possible. This chapter is designed to offer gentle guidance to help you navigate this profoundly difficult journey.

Acknowledging Your Grief

Before diving into the logistical aspects of planning, take a moment to acknowledge your grief. Planning a funeral can feel overwhelming, and you may find yourself oscillating between numbness and intense emotion. This is normal. Allow yourself to process these feelings without judgement, and lean on the support of trusted friends, family, or professionals during this time.

Starting the Conversation

Involve loved ones in the process, if possible. Funeral planning doesn’t need to be a solitary task, and sharing memories, ideas, or simply the emotional weight of decision-making can make the process a little easier. If the child had expressed wishes or preferences, consider incorporating them into the service to honour their individuality.

Choosing a Funeral Service Type

Deciding on the type of service is one of the first steps in the planning process. Reflect on what feels most meaningful to you and your family. I personally regret the route I took for Zach’s funeral.  I went with the local vicar who wanted hymns, and I wanted modern music, the service he delivered was lacking in knowledge about Zach.  I prepared a video of Zach’s life to music that was meaningful.  Connor and Angus paid tribute to Zach in church with a story from their childhood.

In March 2020 we planned my Father-in-law, Vincent’s funeral with a Celebrant, she came to the house and spoke to us about Vincent.  She wrote a beautiful life story about Vincent, and although there were only six of us present at his funeral, due to covid rules, it was more meaningful and moving than Zach’s funeral.

If I had my time to plan Zach’s funeral again, I would have gone down the Celebrant route.

Earlier in 2024 I took a Celebrant course with Celebrant Circle, the training was really extensive and respectful.  I would encourage you to visit the Celebrant Circle website to find a Celebrant in your area, as they have a directory of fully trained Celebrants across the United Kingdom.

https://www.celebrantcircle.com/directory-of-celebrants

Common types of funerals include:

Traditional Funeral Service - Held in a funeral home, place of worship, or another venue, this service often includes a visitation, a ceremony, and a burial or cremation.

Celebration of Life - A more informal gathering focused on celebrating the joy your child brought to the world. 

Private Service - A small, intimate ceremony for close family and friends.

Non-Religious or Spiritual Service - Designed to reflect personal beliefs, these services can be customised to focus on themes of love, loss, and remembrance.

Personalising the Service

A funeral is a time to reflect on your child’s life, even if it was far too short. Consider ways to personalise the service to honour their unique spirit.

Photos and Videos - Create a photo display or slideshow that captures moments from their life.

Music - Choose songs that were meaningful to your child or your family.

Readings and Tributes - Ask family members or close friends to share memories, poems, or readings.

Symbolic Gestures - Incorporate symbols such as lighting candles, releasing balloons, or planting a tree in their memory.

Practical Considerations

The logistics of planning a funeral can feel daunting, but breaking it down into smaller tasks can help

Funeral Home Selection - Choose a funeral home that feels compassionate and aligned with your needs. Funeral directors can guide you through many decisions.

Burial or Cremation - Decide what feels right for your family, considering religious or cultural traditions if applicable.

Casket or Urn Selection - Many funeral homes offer child-sized options that can be customised.

Memorial Items - Think about creating keepsakes, such as fingerprint jewellery, memorial candles, or photo books.

Programmes and Invitations - Create a program for the service and, if appropriate, invitations for those attending.

Including Siblings and Family Members

If you have other children, include them in the planning process to the extent they’re comfortable. It can help them feel connected and provide an opportunity to process their grief. This might involve choosing flowers, picking a song, or writing a letter to their sibling.

Financial Considerations

The financial aspects of funeral planning can be an additional burden. Reach out for support if needed

Charitable Organisations - Some charities offer financial assistance for child funerals.

Community Support - Crowdfunding platforms can provide a way for friends and family to contribute.

Government Resources - Depending on where you live, there may be programs that assist with funeral costs.

Honouring Your Child’s Legacy

Think about ways to honour your child beyond the service. This could include establishing a scholarship, donating to a cause they loved, or creating a memorial space at home.

Taking Care of Yourself

Finally, remember to prioritise your own well-being. Grief is not linear, and it’s okay to seek help from therapists, support groups, or trusted friends. Give yourself grace as you navigate this painful journey.

Closing Thoughts

Planning a child’s funeral is a deeply emotional and personal experience. There’s no “right” way to do it - only what feels right for you and your family. This process, though heart-wrenching, is an opportunity to reflect the love and joy your child brought into the world, ensuring their memory is cherished forever.