Helping Siblings Cope with the Loss of their Sibling

The loss of a child affects the entire family, and siblings often experience a unique and profound grief when they lose a brother or sister. Each sibling’s grief journey will be deeply personal, shaped by their age, personality, and relationship with their brother. Children and teens may struggle with a range of emotions, including confusion, guilt, sadness, and even anger. As a parent, you can play a vital role in supporting them through this difficult time, helping them express their feelings, and fostering a space where they can begin to heal.

We'll explore common reactions siblings may experience after the loss of a brother, ways to help children of different ages process their grief, and strategies for creating a supportive environment that honours each child’s unique grief journey.

Understanding Sibling Grief

When a child loses a sibling, they lose not only a brother or sister but also a constant presence in their daily life, a friend, and a shared history. Sibling grief can be especially complex, as it often involves multiple layers of emotions and a sense of loss that may evolve over time. Understanding the different ways siblings may experience grief can help you offer the support they need.

Feelings of Guilt and Responsibility - Many siblings experience feelings of guilt or wonder if they could have done something to prevent the loss. They may feel guilty for things they said or did, for not spending more time with their sibling, or even for surviving. It’s essential to reassure them that the loss is not their fault and that they could not have changed the outcome.

Confusion and Fear - Depending on their age, some children may not fully understand what death means. They might worry about their own safety or the safety of other family members. Answering their questions honestly and reassuring them can help alleviate some of this fear and confusion.

Feelings of Loneliness - Losing a sibling can create a sense of isolation, as friends or classmates may not understand what they’re going through. Siblings may feel alone in their grief, especially if they notice their parents are also struggling. Encouraging them to express their feelings and helping them connect with others who have had similar experiences can reduce this sense of isolation.

Anger and Resentment - Some siblings may feel angry, either at the situation, at their parents, or even at their lost brother. They may not understand why their sibling had to die, or they may feel that the family’s focus on grief leaves them feeling neglected. Validating these feelings and giving them a safe space to express anger can help them process these complex emotions.

Sadness and Longing - Above all, siblings often feel a profound sadness and longing for the brother they’ve lost. They may miss shared activities, inside jokes, and the simple presence of their sibling. Helping them find ways to honour and remember their brother can provide comfort and a sense of connection.

Helping Siblings of Different Ages Process Grief

Children process grief differently depending on their age, developmental stage, and understanding of death. Tailoring your support to their unique needs can help them feel safe and supported as they navigate their grief.

Young Children (Ages 3–6) - Young children may not fully understand the concept of death. They might believe that their brother will come back or that death is temporary. Keep explanations simple, honest, and direct. You might say, “Your brother has died, and that means he’s not coming back, but we can remember him and keep him in our hearts.” Encourage them to ask questions and provide plenty of reassurance. They may need repeated explanations and should be encouraged to express their feelings through play, drawing, or storytelling.

School-Aged Children (Ages 7–12) - School-aged children generally have a better understanding of death but may struggle with feelings of guilt or responsibility. They may ask detailed questions and want to understand why the loss happened. Be honest with them and allow them to ask as many questions as they need to feel comfortable. Encourage them to express their feelings in whatever ways feel natural, whether through writing, drawing, or talking. Including them in family rituals, such as visiting the cemetery or creating a memory box, can help them feel connected to their lost sibling and the family’s shared grief.

Teenagers - Teenagers understand death on a more adult level but may struggle with intense emotions. They may experience a range of feelings, from anger and sadness to guilt and regret. Teens often need privacy and may not want to talk about their grief right away. Let them know you’re there when they’re ready and encourage them to express their feelings in their own way. Some may find comfort in journaling, while others may prefer connecting with friends or engaging in activities that help them feel grounded. Consider seeking out support groups specifically for teens, where they can meet others who understand what they’re going through.

Strategies for Supporting Siblings Through Grief

Supporting your children as they grieve is a delicate balance of providing guidance, creating space for their unique feelings, and helping them find ways to remember their brother. Here are some strategies that can help.

Create Open Lines of Communication - Let your children know that it’s okay to talk about their brother and that you’re there to listen whenever they need you. Be honest about your own grief as well, which can help normalise their feelings. Simple statements like, “I miss him too,” or “It’s okay to feel sad or angry,” show them that their emotions are valid.

Encourage Healthy Expression - Find ways for your children to express their grief that align with their personalities. Some may want to talk about their brother openly, while others may prefer to write, draw, or engage in creative activities. Allow them to explore these outlets and encourage them to express their feelings in a way that feels comfortable.

Involve Them in Memorial Activities - Invite your children to participate in memorial activities or rituals to honour their brother. This could include creating a memory box, planting a tree in his memory, or celebrating his birthday in a way that feels meaningful. These activities provide a sense of connection and give your children a way to remember their brother in positive ways.

Offer Consistency and Routine - During times of loss, routine can provide a sense of stability and security for children. Maintain familiar routines as much as possible, and encourage them to continue with their regular activities, like school or hobbies. These routines help create a feeling of normalcy and provide a sense of structure as they adjust to life without their brother.

Provide Reassurance and Safety - Children and teens may fear additional losses or worry about the well-being of their family members. Offer reassurance by letting them know that they are safe and loved, and that you’re doing everything you can to care for the family. Consistent reassurance helps them feel secure as they process their grief.

Encouraging Connection and Peer Support

Connecting with others who understand their experience can be especially helpful for siblings who feel isolated in their grief. Consider seeking out support groups, peer activities, or programs designed for grieving children and teens.

Peer Support Groups - Many communities have support groups specifically for grieving children and teens. These groups provide a safe space where they can talk about their feelings, share memories, and connect with others who have experienced similar losses. Being around peers who understand what they’re going through can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and offer a sense of companionship.

School Counsellors and Mentors - Let your child’s school know about the loss, so teachers and counsellors can offer additional support. School counsellors can provide one-on-one sessions, small group activities, and a place for your child to process their grief during the school day. Sometimes, a trusted teacher or mentor can also offer valuable guidance and understanding.

Books and Resources for Grieving Children - There are many books, websites, and resources specifically for children and teens who are grieving. Reading books that explore themes of loss and healing can help them understand their feelings and provide a sense of validation. Some examples include “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst for younger children, or “When a Friend Dies: A Book for Teens About Grieving and Healing” by Marilyn E. Gootman for teenagers.

Fostering a Family Environment that Honours Their Brother’s Memory

Encourage your children to remember and honour their brother in ways that feel right for them. Creating family rituals, talking about positive memories, and keeping their brother’s presence alive in small ways can provide comfort and create a lasting bond.

Remembering Special Dates Together - Acknowledge birthdays, anniversaries, and other meaningful dates as a family. Find ways to honour your child’s memory together, whether through lighting a candle, sharing stories, or doing an activity they enjoyed. These rituals can bring comfort and offer a sense of togetherness during difficult times.

Encouraging Personal Remembrances - Let your children decide how they want to remember their brother. Some may want to keep a small item that belonged to him, create a scrapbook, or write letters. Allow them to find their own ways to honour his memory, knowing that this connection can be an important part of their healing.

Fostering a Family Dialogue About Grief - Keep an open dialogue about grief within the family, making it a topic that’s safe to discuss openly. By fostering a supportive environment, you show your children that they can come to you with their feelings, that it’s okay to talk about their brother, and that their grief is a shared experience.

Embracing Healing as a Family

The journey of grieving a sibling is different for each child, but with love, understanding, and patience, they can find a path to healing. Encourage your children to honour their unique feelings, remember their brother or sister in their own way, and reach out for support when needed.