Understanding Emotions
Emotions and Their Fluidity
After losing a child, a range of intense emotions can surface. These emotions can be complex, contradictory, and sometimes overwhelming.
It’s normal to experience many emotions simultaneously, which can add to the confusion and intensity of grief. Below are some of the most common emotions experienced by grieving parents, though you may feel others not mentioned here. Remember, all emotions are valid and deserve to be acknowledged.
Grief is often described in stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may experience these stages in a different order, or you may find yourself moving back and forth between them over time. However, it’s important to understand that these stages are not linear, nor are they the same for everyone.
This fluidity can feel disorienting, but it is a normal part of the grieving process. Grief is not something you “get over”; it is something you learn to live with, and these stages can help you understand your emotions as you navigate this journey.
The emotions you encounter on this journey may surprise you. You may find that sadness, guilt, anger, and even numbness is all part of your experience. These emotions can be confusing, but they are also deeply human responses to loss. They reflect the depth of your love, the intensity of your longing, and the memories you cherish.
Fear and Anxiety
Fear is another common emotion, especially for parents who have other children or loved ones. You may fear that something similar will happen to them or feel anxious about the future. This fear can make it difficult to trust life again, as you may feel that the world is an unsafe place.
Understanding that this fear is rooted in your loss can help you find ways to address it with compassion. Therapy, mindfulness, and grounding techniques can be particularly helpful in managing fear and anxiety during this time.
Depression
Sadness and depression are natural responses to losing a child. You may feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness, loneliness, and hopelessness. This is often the stage where the reality of the loss becomes most acute, and it may feel as though the pain will never go away. While these feelings can be intense, they are a part of the process and will likely lessen over time.
Sadness
The sadness that follows the loss of a child is immense and may feel like an endless ache. This sadness may manifest in tears, a sense of emptiness, or a longing for your child’s presence. It’s natural to feel that this sadness will never fully go away, and in some ways, it may not. However, over time, you may find that this sadness becomes less overwhelming and more manageable. Allowing yourself to feel this sadness, rather than trying to push it away, is an essential part of healing.
Sadness, profound and abiding, may feel like a wave that washes over you. But in time, it is possible to find moments of peace within this sadness, as you allow yourself to honour your child’s memory and the beautiful moments you shared. These memories, though bittersweet, can become sources of comfort.
Numbness
In the early stages of grief, you may feel numb. This numbness can be unsettling, as it may feel as though you are disconnected from your emotions or unable to process what has happened. This is a natural defence mechanism that allows you to navigate the initial shock of loss.
Over time, this numbness may give way to other emotions. Allowing yourself to experience this numbness without judgement can provide a sense of space for processing your grief at your own pace
Relief and Confusion
If your child’s passing was the result of a long illness, you may feel a sense of relief that they are no longer suffering. This feeling of relief can be confusing, and it may lead to guilt or self-blame.
It’s important to recognise that feeling relieved doesn’t mean you loved your child any less; it’s simply a natural response to a deeply painful situation. Accepting this relief as part of the complex landscape of emotions you’re experiencing can help you work through it with self-compassion.
Guilt
Guilt is one of the most common and difficult emotions that parents experience after losing a child. Many parents feel responsible, even when the loss was out of their control. You may question your actions, wondering if you could have done something differently. You may feel guilty about the things you didn’t say or the moments you missed. This guilt often stems from the deep sense of responsibility parents feel toward their children, as well as the helplessness that follows a loss that you couldn’t prevent.
Understanding that guilt is a natural part of grief can help you recognise that, over time, you may come to accept that you did the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had.
Bargaining
In this stage, you may find yourself wishing you could change what happened or make deals in your mind. You might think, “If only I had done something differently,” or wish for a way to bring your child back.
Bargaining is often accompanied by feelings of guilt and regret. Recognising that these thoughts are a normal part of grief can help you work through them with compassion.
Denial
In the early stages of grief, you may find it difficult to accept that your child is truly gone. You may feel as though you’re in a bad dream or that this can’t possibly be real. This denial is a natural way of coping with the initial shock, and it allows you to process the reality of your loss gradually.
Anger
Anger may emerge, directed at the world, at the circumstances, or even at the randomness of life itself. This anger is a natural response to the unfairness of loss. By acknowledging it, you create space to express it in ways that can bring relief and, over time, transformation.
Anger often accompanies grief, and it may feel directed at a variety of sources. You might feel angry at yourself, at the world, at medical professionals, or even at life itself for allowing this to happen. This anger can also sometimes be directed inward, leading to feelings of self-blame.
Parents may also feel anger toward others who seem to carry on with their lives as usual, seemingly unaffected by a tragedy that has devastated your own life.
Anger can be challenging to process, but it is a valid and natural response to loss. Finding ways to express and release this anger - whether through writing, talking, or engaging in physical activities - can help you work through it over time.
Acceptance
Acceptance is not about “getting over” your child’s death but about coming to terms with it.
This stage is about acknowledging the reality of your loss and finding ways to move forward while honouring your child’s memory.
Acceptance may feel bittersweet, as it involves embracing both the love you have for your child and the sadness of their absence.
It’s crucial to remember that these stages are not rigid. You may find yourself revisiting stages multiple times, or you may experience them in a different order. This fluidity is normal and is a reminder that grief is a personal journey that doesn’t adhere to a set timeline.